Dear hormones

Dear hormones,

I hate you! I hate how sad I get when I realise I don’t have someone checking up on me. I hate knowing that I’m too scared to use tinder or any dating app, for fear of rejection. I hate knowing that I’ve made stupid choices, that have led me to be in this state. I hate knowing that my dream of having a family, is slowly disappearing, I hate those moments when I get sad and I tell myself that I’m not allowed to cry. I hate knowing that I’m telling my friends that I’m focusing on my career, instead of wanting to date because I’m not ready to see anyone. I hate knowing that, sometime, I don’t know how to make myself happy. I hate knowing that I’m too scared to sleep, for fear of having nightmares after watching Pretty Little Liars. I hate the fact that I no longer want to look at wedding dresses. I hate knowing that I’m always tired from doing nothing.

And that people, is what is running through my mind because my period  will start in approximately 4 days. I become so overwhelmed with all these emotions and I can become irrational, to the point that one night, I lost my way in the city and had an emotional breakdown, thinking I would have to sleep on the street.


This hash tag is the start of something really big and amazing. It exposes the harassment that women have had to deal with and the emotions they have felt.

My first ME TOO moment was when I was 18years old. Walking down the street near my workplace. A man was driving by when he suddenly slowed down and just stared at me. Me being me, I gave him such a filthy look. This resulted in him hurling abuse at me. I felt scared and embarrassed, which looking back at it now, is so wrong! He should have felt embarrassed, not me!

The second METOO moment was when I was 19. I was on the train coming back from work and I had stopped at Strathfield. This man followed me and looked straight at my chest (I was wearing a v neck shirt) and I distinctly remember him saying, “You have nice boobs, where do you live”. I was absolutely petrified and immediately pulled my shirt up. Problem is, I should not have had to pull my shirt up, he SHOULD not have been looking at my chest.

Now the METOO moments I am about to mention happen all the time now. I have a large bust and unfortunately I can’t hide it. However the amount of looks that I receive, is disgusting! People don’t even look at my face, it’s just a straight look at my chest! It’s quite embarrassing!

Let me just say this, SOME men, need to train their eyes and thoughts. It will NEVER be okay for men to harass women! Hopefully this hashtag raises awareness and women are no longer seen as pieces of meat for SOME men to gawk at.

What it feels like to find out, you may have a ‘Mental health issue’

Today, I had to talk to a psychologist and it was the worst feeling, I’ve ever had to feel. Every time, I looked at a website on psychologists, I  had to read “we talk to people with mental health issues’. Like what the absolute fuck!!! It made me feel so angry, sad, and scared that something I have no control over could be labelled like this.

Knowing that my mind has done damage control to ensure that I have no recollection of a childhood trauma is meant to be a good thing. However when the muscles that experienced the trauma remember and you are in pain, every time something touches them, you know something has to be done.

Knowing all of this and reading up on all these topics, has made me realise that I have to face this issue. But, feeling like I am going crazy and I might be labelled for something I didn’t want to happen, is the most scariest thing I’ve ever had to face.

When one of the psychologists answered the phone I didn’t even know what to say. I ended up blurting out “I don’t want to be called crazy or be told I have a mental health issue, I just need to talk”. As I was explaining about the whole, my mind doesn’t remember but my body does thing, I said to her “Even to me I sound crazy”.

This feeling of not having control over something is terrifying. Knowing that there may end up being a diagnosis is so scary. I never thought of myself as having “issues” and now it is something that I have to consider. I hate it so much!


I forgive you, I forgive you, I don’t forgive you

One of my greatest flaws, is how forgiving I am. No matter how many times someone hurts me, I will still forgive them. I always believe that they will change. That is what happened with the guy, let’s call him  S, in my previous post.

Although everyone said that S was a piece of shit, I always believed he would change. No matter how bad the situation got, I would always give in. It’s because I don’t like hurting people and I believe people deserve chances.

Recently I got back in contact with a guy from my teenage years and I told him about this situation and about a text message that S sent me about one year ago. The text message went something like this…. “I don’t care who you see or who you fuck, I don’t want to know about it. But if I see him, I will break his face. I’m not saying I want a relationship with you, but I see you as mine and no one else should have you”. My friend basically explained it to me. S didn’t believe I was good enough for him, but felt he was too good for me. He liked the fact that I was chasing him, even if he was in a relationship with someone else (which I actually didn’t know about, at the time).

So after he sent me the text the other day, telling me to sort my life out. I rang my older brother and gave him S’s number and told him to please tell him to stay out of my life. I did this, because I knew that if S called me in 6 months time, I wouldn’t be strong enough to ignore the call (I just hate being mean). My brother rang him and told him quite politely to stay away from me. What unfolded next, was so shocking. It told me that I didn’t really know who he was.

S kept calling me and I finally answered. he went crazy! Screaming at me like a crazy guy. He called me a dumb slut, but meh, like seriously when it comes to me sticks and stones babe. However, when you say, “I’m gonna rape your mum” it becomes a whole new ball game. The word crazy doesn’t begin to describe how  I felt. It was like rage! I absolutely lost my fucking shit and I told him, that he was so done and never to contact me again.

So ladies, if a person ever treats you like shit, you need to stop it. I waited 4years to stop this vicious cycle. In the end it was my fault, because I allowed him to treat me like this. I gave him that power and no one deserves to have that much power over you.

When People Are Major Dicks

So earlier today, I had no idea what I was going to write about…… Until, this guy I have known for 4 years messaged me the following message, “Hey, I’m seeing someone so I don’t want you to call or message me. I hope you respect my wishes and sort your own life out”.

Now most of you might automatically say, what a dick, I unfortunately, was left shocked. And no, I wasn’t shocked that he was seeing anyone, cause seriously he could be seeing a guy and I wouldn’t give two hoots. I was shocked at the last part of the message, “sort your own life out”.

So what did I do? Instead of telling him how much of a dick he was, I deleted the message and his numbers and gave them a big FUCK YOU straight to the trash. I did not bother to reply, because number one, I can be a MEGA bitch and I know quite a few expletives. There are days when the word ‘fuck’ is in all of my sentences, except when I’m at work (no, your children did not learn that word from me, sorry).

Number two, you rang me the other night and asked if you could transfer the demerit points to me, so needless to say, I am glad I have a suspended license (I like to drive fast haha) so that I did not assist you in your dodgy ways.

Number three. When I was seeing someone, I broke it to you nicely because I am a nice person (well, I am sometimes). I was not a bitch, catty, rude or in anyway trying to make you jealous, although come to think of it, I should have been and yes everyone told me I had every right to be rude and tell you to fuck off including my mum and my grandmother. They also used other words, which were also not nice.. but can you blame them?

The grand finale, you made me cry and hurt me many times and yet every single time I was dumb enough to forgive you, even when you almost got physical (yes people, we all know I am an idiot). I was nice and thought you would change and I continued to be your friend until I started to date someone. When the breakup happened we had the most honest conversation we had ever had. Then of course there was the BANG. That message was the most horrible message I have ever received from you.

Sort your own life out? Seriously, do you know who you are talking to? I was the girl that was strong enough to deal with all of your shit. The girl who forgave your sorry arse  and the girl whose shoulder you cried on when you found out that your girlfriend had fallen pregnant with her ex husband’s baby.

Now, this is what I’m going to do. His calls will always be blocked and never again will I forgive him for being a dick. My friend told me that she thinks it may have been the girl who messaged me, which I had a feeling that it might have been, but you know what,


Enough is enough! That’s it! He has officially shut the door and thrown away the key. It is mother fucking done. Yes it took me four freaken years to do this, but it’s finally done. Done forever!

So ladies if  a guy does that to you, maybe you will want to message him. But please use expletives and swear at him, then message me his address and I will personally send him a bag of dicks, cause yeah, you can actually do that.


To wear shoes on one’s feet, is to begin living one’s dream

So today,  whilst shoe shopping with E and G, I found that I was fighting with two different personalities. The innocent young lady and the alluring woman. This was evident in the types of shoes I was looking at

My friend, E, is very sophisticated and the polar opposite of me in fashion sense and thoughts. I am a westy and she’s well, a northern beaches girl. She is quite beautiful and demure, whereas I am a loud person, who will speak my opinion and wear some pretty err let’s just say interesting outfits.

So back to the story about shoe shopping. E and I were disagreeing on shoes. I love my high heels and she is more of a kitten heel and sandals girl. We were talking about the shoes and pointing shoes out to each other and either putting our noses up at each other’s choice of shoes or just blatantly saying no haha.

UNTIL…. we


Nine West… lady like shoes

came across a pair of heels that E, G and I liked. They were pretty and very lady like and VERY expensive (teacher’s wage… you suck!), We eyed them and discussed what clothes we would wear them with. Obviously a dress that matched one of the colours on the shoes, or thinking about it now, cut off jeans with an off the shoulder top and hat would be a great summer look. As we moved away from these shoes, I felt that I needed to continue looking when all of a sudden I understood why…


Calvin Klein, you stole my heart along time  ago

There was the most interesting pair of wedge heels on the 50% off table and O.M.G they were Marc Jacobs!!!! I fell in love with those shoes, like I’ve never fallen in love before. The pattern on them intrigued me and made me want to find an outfit just for them. They were stunning! They were also $250… It was a very depressing feeling as I walked away from them… However I did hint to the girls that they would be a great Christmas present (yes, we all know I am smart haha). I walked on until I found a pair of sexy Calvin Klein boots (Calvin, hurry up and propose to me already… please) This was my alluring woman side. I could team these boots up with a short t-shirt dress and feel sexy. These different types of shoes I wear, reflect an ongoing battle in my life. I was raised to dress like an elegant lady, modest, yet fashionable (nine west) however my love for all things sexy (Calvin Klein) made this so hard. Don’t get me wrong I like the elegant look, but the I guess the sexy look was something that was regarded as forbidden for me which is why I had this strong sense of wanting to be and dress sexy. At 25 years old I am still battling with these personalities.

I remember losing my virginity and my feeling like I was going crazy. Like this crazy fiery woman, I didn’t know was trying to take over me. I was really struggling with fighting her and my dad who could obviously see this fight I was having with myself said to me, “You can either be bad or good J, you can’t be both”. Back then I didn’t understand it., but now I do. It is still an ongoing battle for me, I hope soon, my good side will eventually win.