Today, I had to talk to a psychologist and it was the worst feeling, I’ve ever had to feel. Every time, I looked at a website on psychologists, I had to read “we talk to people with mental health issues’. Like what the absolute fuck!!! It made me feel so angry, sad, and scared that something I have no control over could be labelled like this.
Knowing that my mind has done damage control to ensure that I have no recollection of a childhood trauma is meant to be a good thing. However when the muscles that experienced the trauma remember and you are in pain, every time something touches them, you know something has to be done.
Knowing all of this and reading up on all these topics, has made me realise that I have to face this issue. But, feeling like I am going crazy and I might be labelled for something I didn’t want to happen, is the most scariest thing I’ve ever had to face.
When one of the psychologists answered the phone I didn’t even know what to say. I ended up blurting out “I don’t want to be called crazy or be told I have a mental health issue, I just need to talk”. As I was explaining about the whole, my mind doesn’t remember but my body does thing, I said to her “Even to me I sound crazy”.
This feeling of not having control over something is terrifying. Knowing that there may end up being a diagnosis is so scary. I never thought of myself as having “issues” and now it is something that I have to consider. I hate it so much!