What to expect when you’re NOT expecting….

Friday night started off as a girl’s night, with my neighbour and her friend and a couple of glasses of wine, to help take the edge off a long and tiring week.

My neighbour Julia, made the comment, “Fuck! All the girls we went to school with are married, engaged and/ or have children and we spent 15minutes in the bottle shop trying to pick the best and cheapest wine”… This made us all laugh as they are 25 and I am 26.

Recently as in the same weekend that the above scenario occurred, a high school peer of mine, got married and all I could think, was FUCK, what the FUCK am I doing with my life?!?!?!?!!?! You know how it is when you have those freak out moments and think that all your dreams are slipping through your fingers and you cry, then you cry some more, well that was this day. But then I got over it and realised I am FUCKING awesome at my job!! Yes, I may seem like I have a big ego, but c’mon we all know that there is something we are good at!!

But it’s true, this  year, I have really thrown myself into my job and I have seen such an improvement in my documentation, communication and my overall interactions with the children I teach. And this, my dear friends, is what I’m focusing on as I am not expecting anything this year.

I have found that by throwing myself into my job and kind of into my studies, I am feeling better about what my future may hold as I have a great career that enables me to constantly reflect on myself as a human being and teacher.

So if you are at the same stage in your life as I am, then look at your career and figure out what direction you want to go. And yes this will definitely suck as you will feel sad, when you think about what you wanted and how it wasn’t meant to be. BUT!!!!! once you have realised your goal, you will start to remember the Sex and the City scene when they sing the song ‘I am woman’…  Yes that is a great cover of the song as it reflects all the qualities of a woman in general and the women featured in that movie, however the following link is a better version of the singing Judith Lucy is fantastic and so are all of the singers.

So to all of you incredible and inspirational women out there, it is OKAY to cry when you realise your dreams did not come true… But don’t just cry, get out there and create new dreams!!

 

I thought he was going to be my lifetime..

Dear emotions,

Kind of doing a catch up. So i got back with my ex in november.

However on 11.1.18 he broke up with me and i’m sad, really sad. I’m sad that he broke up with me because he made me a better person. He made me see the world from a completely different perspective which i will always be grateful for.

Im also sad because he decided to break up with me 2 days before he went overseas (that was like de ja vu for me, as the guy previous to him did the same thing). I hated that, i hated knowing that he could go and escape this and be happy in a different place whilst i was here trying not to cry. Im not sure if it hurt him to break up with me, but right now all i can think is that he must feel relieved.

During the conversation i said to him, “you banged me for a year only to find out that you don’t want me anymore”. I didnt mean it like that, but i was tired and hurting so much, i couldn’t even explain myself (the overtired, emotional toddler in me came out to play). I hate that i said that and i am waaay too stubborn and i am feeling very hurt and sad to text him and explain myself.. Yes i have looked at his number a few times and started typing a message, only to press delete.

What i meant to say was, you taught me how special sex was. You made me see what a real relationship is and right now all i can feel is sadness. I have now lost someone and something that was so special to me.

The saying goes, people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I thought he was going to be my lifetime, but it seems he came in for a reason. My life was a mess before he came in, now i have all these goals that i want to achieve.

I just wish that he was going to share my achievements with me.

12.1.18

Its the 12th day of 2018 and i cried. I really cried.

I had a different idea of how 2018 would turn out. But as usual, life did a complete 360 degree turn on me.

It really sucks and I’m sad right now. But I’ll get through it, i always do.

Dear Cafe’ Owners

Today is boxing day and I have found myself facing the ultimate dilemma, where do I go to buy my daily coffee? My usual café of choice is the Wolf and Stone , located in Marrickville (that’s in Sydney peeps). The owners of the café and their staff are amazing, friendly people, it is they and the smell of the coffee that invites you in.

WOLF and Stone

As well as making a deliciously satisfying cup of coffee they make a mean avocado on toast with fetta (fyi- they add these spices on the toast, which make it divine!)

 

Unfortunately today they were closed. Shock. Horror. I had obviously asked them daily for the past week when their shut down period was, to ensure I was prepared with a plan and yesterday (Christmas) I was fine because I was at my parent’s house and yes my mum makes a mean cup of coffee. However, today, I was very confused. I went on the Leichhardt community Facebook page to write a post asking which coffee shops were open, only to laugh when I read someone else’s post asking the exact same question. So off I went all the way to Leichhardt to buy myself a cup of caffeine (Sorry Marrickville, I know you are currently my neighbourhood but I know the Leichhardt area better.

So, now getting the to the point of this blog post. We NEED to come up with a solution for what to do when cafés are closed.. Like can’t you hire someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas to run your café for you? I would gladly put my hand up to do this, unfortunately for you though, you may not have any coffee beans left, once my shift is over ahaha.

Maybe you could create a vending machine that is designed to recreate the perfect smelling and tasting coffees you make??

Just please, I am BEGGING you, to, please come up with a solution for your Christmas shutdown period in 2018!

Dear hormones

Dear hormones,

I hate you! I hate how sad I get when I realise I don’t have someone checking up on me. I hate knowing that I’m too scared to use tinder or any dating app, for fear of rejection. I hate knowing that I’ve made stupid choices, that have led me to be in this state. I hate knowing that my dream of having a family, is slowly disappearing, I hate those moments when I get sad and I tell myself that I’m not allowed to cry. I hate knowing that I’m telling my friends that I’m focusing on my career, instead of wanting to date because I’m not ready to see anyone. I hate knowing that, sometime, I don’t know how to make myself happy. I hate knowing that I’m too scared to sleep, for fear of having nightmares after watching Pretty Little Liars. I hate the fact that I no longer want to look at wedding dresses. I hate knowing that I’m always tired from doing nothing.

And that people, is what is running through my mind because my period  will start in approximately 4 days. I become so overwhelmed with all these emotions and I can become irrational, to the point that one night, I lost my way in the city and had an emotional breakdown, thinking I would have to sleep on the street.

#METOO

This hash tag is the start of something really big and amazing. It exposes the harassment that women have had to deal with and the emotions they have felt.

My first ME TOO moment was when I was 18years old. Walking down the street near my workplace. A man was driving by when he suddenly slowed down and just stared at me. Me being me, I gave him such a filthy look. This resulted in him hurling abuse at me. I felt scared and embarrassed, which looking back at it now, is so wrong! He should have felt embarrassed, not me!

The second METOO moment was when I was 19. I was on the train coming back from work and I had stopped at Strathfield. This man followed me and looked straight at my chest (I was wearing a v neck shirt) and I distinctly remember him saying, “You have nice boobs, where do you live”. I was absolutely petrified and immediately pulled my shirt up. Problem is, I should not have had to pull my shirt up, he SHOULD not have been looking at my chest.

Now the METOO moments I am about to mention happen all the time now. I have a large bust and unfortunately I can’t hide it. However the amount of looks that I receive, is disgusting! People don’t even look at my face, it’s just a straight look at my chest! It’s quite embarrassing!

Let me just say this, SOME men, need to train their eyes and thoughts. It will NEVER be okay for men to harass women! Hopefully this hashtag raises awareness and women are no longer seen as pieces of meat for SOME men to gawk at.

What it feels like to find out, you may have a ‘Mental health issue’

Today, I had to talk to a psychologist and it was the worst feeling, I’ve ever had to feel. Every time, I looked at a website on psychologists, I  had to read “we talk to people with mental health issues’. Like what the absolute fuck!!! It made me feel so angry, sad, and scared that something I have no control over could be labelled like this.

Knowing that my mind has done damage control to ensure that I have no recollection of a childhood trauma is meant to be a good thing. However when the muscles that experienced the trauma remember and you are in pain, every time something touches them, you know something has to be done.

Knowing all of this and reading up on all these topics, has made me realise that I have to face this issue. But, feeling like I am going crazy and I might be labelled for something I didn’t want to happen, is the most scariest thing I’ve ever had to face.

When one of the psychologists answered the phone I didn’t even know what to say. I ended up blurting out “I don’t want to be called crazy or be told I have a mental health issue, I just need to talk”. As I was explaining about the whole, my mind doesn’t remember but my body does thing, I said to her “Even to me I sound crazy”.

This feeling of not having control over something is terrifying. Knowing that there may end up being a diagnosis is so scary. I never thought of myself as having “issues” and now it is something that I have to consider. I hate it so much!

 

I forgive you, I forgive you, I don’t forgive you

One of my greatest flaws, is how forgiving I am. No matter how many times someone hurts me, I will still forgive them. I always believe that they will change. That is what happened with the guy, let’s call him  S, in my previous post.

Although everyone said that S was a piece of shit, I always believed he would change. No matter how bad the situation got, I would always give in. It’s because I don’t like hurting people and I believe people deserve chances.

Recently I got back in contact with a guy from my teenage years and I told him about this situation and about a text message that S sent me about one year ago. The text message went something like this…. “I don’t care who you see or who you fuck, I don’t want to know about it. But if I see him, I will break his face. I’m not saying I want a relationship with you, but I see you as mine and no one else should have you”. My friend basically explained it to me. S didn’t believe I was good enough for him, but felt he was too good for me. He liked the fact that I was chasing him, even if he was in a relationship with someone else (which I actually didn’t know about, at the time).

So after he sent me the text the other day, telling me to sort my life out. I rang my older brother and gave him S’s number and told him to please tell him to stay out of my life. I did this, because I knew that if S called me in 6 months time, I wouldn’t be strong enough to ignore the call (I just hate being mean). My brother rang him and told him quite politely to stay away from me. What unfolded next, was so shocking. It told me that I didn’t really know who he was.

S kept calling me and I finally answered. he went crazy! Screaming at me like a crazy guy. He called me a dumb slut, but meh, like seriously when it comes to me sticks and stones babe. However, when you say, “I’m gonna rape your mum” it becomes a whole new ball game. The word crazy doesn’t begin to describe how  I felt. It was like rage! I absolutely lost my fucking shit and I told him, that he was so done and never to contact me again.

So ladies, if a person ever treats you like shit, you need to stop it. I waited 4years to stop this vicious cycle. In the end it was my fault, because I allowed him to treat me like this. I gave him that power and no one deserves to have that much power over you.

When People Are Major Dicks

So earlier today, I had no idea what I was going to write about…… Until, this guy I have known for 4 years messaged me the following message, “Hey, I’m seeing someone so I don’t want you to call or message me. I hope you respect my wishes and sort your own life out”.

Now most of you might automatically say, what a dick, I unfortunately, was left shocked. And no, I wasn’t shocked that he was seeing anyone, cause seriously he could be seeing a guy and I wouldn’t give two hoots. I was shocked at the last part of the message, “sort your own life out”.

So what did I do? Instead of telling him how much of a dick he was, I deleted the message and his numbers and gave them a big FUCK YOU straight to the trash. I did not bother to reply, because number one, I can be a MEGA bitch and I know quite a few expletives. There are days when the word ‘fuck’ is in all of my sentences, except when I’m at work (no, your children did not learn that word from me, sorry).

Number two, you rang me the other night and asked if you could transfer the demerit points to me, so needless to say, I am glad I have a suspended license (I like to drive fast haha) so that I did not assist you in your dodgy ways.

Number three. When I was seeing someone, I broke it to you nicely because I am a nice person (well, I am sometimes). I was not a bitch, catty, rude or in anyway trying to make you jealous, although come to think of it, I should have been and yes everyone told me I had every right to be rude and tell you to fuck off including my mum and my grandmother. They also used other words, which were also not nice.. but can you blame them?

The grand finale, you made me cry and hurt me many times and yet every single time I was dumb enough to forgive you, even when you almost got physical (yes people, we all know I am an idiot). I was nice and thought you would change and I continued to be your friend until I started to date someone. When the breakup happened we had the most honest conversation we had ever had. Then of course there was the BANG. That message was the most horrible message I have ever received from you.

Sort your own life out? Seriously, do you know who you are talking to? I was the girl that was strong enough to deal with all of your shit. The girl who forgave your sorry arse  and the girl whose shoulder you cried on when you found out that your girlfriend had fallen pregnant with her ex husband’s baby.

Now, this is what I’m going to do. His calls will always be blocked and never again will I forgive him for being a dick. My friend told me that she thinks it may have been the girl who messaged me, which I had a feeling that it might have been, but you know what,

       I DON’T GIVE A FUCK

Enough is enough! That’s it! He has officially shut the door and thrown away the key. It is mother fucking done. Yes it took me four freaken years to do this, but it’s finally done. Done forever!

So ladies if  a guy does that to you, maybe you will want to message him. But please use expletives and swear at him, then message me his address and I will personally send him a bag of dicks, cause yeah, you can actually do that.

 

To wear shoes on one’s feet, is to begin living one’s dream

So today,  whilst shoe shopping with E and G, I found that I was fighting with two different personalities. The innocent young lady and the alluring woman. This was evident in the types of shoes I was looking at

My friend, E, is very sophisticated and the polar opposite of me in fashion sense and thoughts. I am a westy and she’s well, a northern beaches girl. She is quite beautiful and demure, whereas I am a loud person, who will speak my opinion and wear some pretty err let’s just say interesting outfits.

So back to the story about shoe shopping. E and I were disagreeing on shoes. I love my high heels and she is more of a kitten heel and sandals girl. We were talking about the shoes and pointing shoes out to each other and either putting our noses up at each other’s choice of shoes or just blatantly saying no haha.

UNTIL…. we

20171001_150044

Nine West… lady like shoes

came across a pair of heels that E, G and I liked. They were pretty and very lady like and VERY expensive (teacher’s wage… you suck!), We eyed them and discussed what clothes we would wear them with. Obviously a dress that matched one of the colours on the shoes, or thinking about it now, cut off jeans with an off the shoulder top and hat would be a great summer look. As we moved away from these shoes, I felt that I needed to continue looking when all of a sudden I understood why…

20171001_150218

Calvin Klein, you stole my heart along time  ago

There was the most interesting pair of wedge heels on the 50% off table and O.M.G they were Marc Jacobs!!!! I fell in love with those shoes, like I’ve never fallen in love before. The pattern on them intrigued me and made me want to find an outfit just for them. They were stunning! They were also $250… It was a very depressing feeling as I walked away from them… However I did hint to the girls that they would be a great Christmas present (yes, we all know I am smart haha). I walked on until I found a pair of sexy Calvin Klein boots (Calvin, hurry up and propose to me already… please) This was my alluring woman side. I could team these boots up with a short t-shirt dress and feel sexy. These different types of shoes I wear, reflect an ongoing battle in my life. I was raised to dress like an elegant lady, modest, yet fashionable (nine west) however my love for all things sexy (Calvin Klein) made this so hard. Don’t get me wrong I like the elegant look, but the I guess the sexy look was something that was regarded as forbidden for me which is why I had this strong sense of wanting to be and dress sexy. At 25 years old I am still battling with these personalities.

I remember losing my virginity and my feeling like I was going crazy. Like this crazy fiery woman, I didn’t know was trying to take over me. I was really struggling with fighting her and my dad who could obviously see this fight I was having with myself said to me, “You can either be bad or good J, you can’t be both”. Back then I didn’t understand it., but now I do. It is still an ongoing battle for me, I hope soon, my good side will eventually win.